WHY?!

I want to be a character designer/animator so bad. But why can't I ever seem to jump on the train that moves toward those goals? I keep getting stuck in WoW. Ugh. I am an awful person. I have so many dreams that I somehow fail at moving forward... why?

I Really Need An Outlet

I feel like I need a place to vent, and a place to document. I would love somewhere to look back years from now and be like "Oh hey, look at how I was and look where I am now! I've really evolved!" Or so I hope. Right now I'm not in too good of a place. It's 3AM and I told myself I would sleep hours ago, but just like so many other things in my life...that didn't go as planned.

I am full of regret and hatred right now, and I have no idea how to fix it. I have so much hatred for myself, for so many reasons. I have no problem hurting those I feel deserve it, but if you're a friend, or a friend of a friend, or a genuinely good person who I like and admire...I just feel ashamed if I say something hurtful. And then even if it's really okay...it's so hard for me to get past. You see, I hold grudges. Grudges against myself that take a while to get over. That's probably why I have so much self loathing. And right now...the self loathing is starting to take over I think, and seep into the loathing of others as well, and even just life itself. Who wants to be around such a huge ball of depression? I know I don't! Ugh.

There are so many things I want to say right now, and I contemplate saying them on the internet for people to stumble across.

Today I almost collided with these two guys eating cheeseburgers and was super pissed. Lately I've been getting angry and almost getting into an accident every time I'm on the road. I'm not sure if this is a problem with me, or just rush hour. Also, I've been finding that I really do not care for the general human population. Again, is that my problem? How do I fix it? What do I do when I have so much hate for pretty much EVERYTHING that I can't even really hang out with people anymore? When did this happen? And why is there an attitude attached to my voice every time I talk? It disgusts me.

I'm tired.

I Hope I Don't Get Addicted To Blogging...

Okay okay. One last post for the night. I have a feeling I'm gonna get addicting to blogging. =\ Ugh. And I cannot WAIT to make this thing look nice. =) But yeah today I decided to get serious again about my art and I want to develop a better style... so here is my attempt. This is a random test and I think I like it, so hopefully I can keep this up. It was really fun to take out the prismas and mess around with them...it's been a while. =)

Oh yeahhhh! And today Greg let me know about this game that's apparently in development called "Epic Mickey." I thought it was a joke at first but actually looking at this thing makes me really excited. It indeed looks pretty epic. Disney and steampunk? Hmmmmm....

I must admit I was skeptical of Kingdom Hearts but then I got majorly obsessed over that...as some people know. But yeah this looks pretty damn awesome. And dark. Hehe. Click here to check it out!!!















There is someone screaming outside. It's kinna freaking me out. O_O

I Got My Scanner To Work!!!

So I decided to post some things since my mom forced me to hook up my scanner/printer anyways. I feel like I'm in such an awful stage right now trying to have a style. T__T Urgh.

So I drew this "ice cream girl" on the right after I wondered what it would be like to be ice cream...then I thought it would pretty much suck because then you'd be melting the whole day. But oh how I love ice cream! Haha. I actually want to make a shirt like this...where the collar is a turtle neck and you can unfold it and it'll look like an ice cream cone around your head. =) Mweehee. This was like the first thing I drew this summer...

Then when I was at work I saw this really cute little boy with a mohawk which inspired me to draw the little boy on the left. And then I dunno where the girl came from. When my friend Greg saw these though he said "All of the characters you draw are looking up and have that same sour expression on their face like they're afraid a bird is gonna poop on them." I realized he was right and decided something must be done. -__- Because I suck just that bad. The other stuff is worse. So bad I won't post it here. What I WILL post though is a random sketch I did when I had to wait at Disneyland all day for my shift. It was nice to just sit around and relax without being pressured to go on rides and make good use of time at an amusement park. It's actually really calming to chill at Disneyland. =)

Anyways.

This on the left is my attempt at actually drawing a building...which I never do. But since I was at Disneyland and I really love Tom Sawyer's island (well now it's "Pirates Lair") I decided to draw it, and I was in the perfect place to do so. =) I felt bad later though because I was taking up a table for like 6 people and I was all by myself. =\ So then I left to go watch the Aladdin musical.

But yeah.

I think that's enough for now. I really like this blogspot thing. Why didn't I get one sooner?!?! =0 Haha.

And I ended up not watching Star Wars tonight...I watched Hancock instead then did other things. Hancock wasn't actually as bad as I thought it would be! I actually liked the turn it took in the second half...took me by surprise. Mmmm.

WOW I Actually Made A Blog?!

Sooooooooo.....I aactually made a blog! This was on my list of "things to do over the summer", and frankly I am getting tired of writing down lists and never finishing them. It happens all the time...and it's a shame because I love checking off lists! Sigh. But yeah...I finally did it and I'm proud of myself! Time to check off another box! =D BWAHAHA!!! Although I'm not exactly sure when I'm going to start telling people about this. Probably when I stop being lazy and decide to make my own layout. And probably when I get back enough into the drawing mood to post some things that I think are worth posting. Hopefully that happens because I've been a bit discouraged lately. I came across this term today... "despired." I think it explains me perfectly. Being around so many talented people, and seeing the works of so many talented people, hugely inspires me while at the same time depresses me to no end. I always think that I should just quit now because I'll never have the skill or the talent to measure up to such greatness. I'm trying to get that notion out of my head and think more on the positive side...like you know, if I don't try then I won't get better. I remember I used to love drawing soooo much until I got "despired" I guess from being on DeviantART too much. That was years ago...and I feel like what little skill and potential I had has just withered away into oblivion. I somehow need to pull that back and get serious with my life.

Guh.

But first...I NEED A COMPUTER!!!

And I gotta set up my scanner so even though I don't have a computer I'll still be able to maybe put up some sketches. =) Not having my own computer is kinna nice. It gives me time to do things that I used to do before becoming totally immersed in this digital age. SO WHAT IF I CAN'T DRAW WITH MY TABLET RIGHT NOW?!?! THAT'S WHAT PENCILS AND PENS ARE FOR! Geezus.

I feel so lame.

It's like I forgot how to correctly use a pencil already. Trying to get used to it again...having a little moleskin notebook helps though. It's makes me feel important. And creative. =) So hopefully great things come out of that thing.

Anyways. Now on the phone with Brian...haven't talked to him in ages. I've been on the phone way too much lately. Argh. At least I'm finally making use of all those rollover minutes =D Haha.

Excited for later. Gonna have a Star Wars night. >=D