Sunday, October 3, 2010
I feel like I need a place to vent, and a place to document. I would love somewhere to look back years from now and be like "Oh hey, look at how I was and look where I am now! I've really evolved!" Or so I hope. Right now I'm not in too good of a place. It's 3AM and I told myself I would sleep hours ago, but just like so many other things in my life...that didn't go as planned.
I am full of regret and hatred right now, and I have no idea how to fix it. I have so much hatred for myself, for so many reasons. I have no problem hurting those I feel deserve it, but if you're a friend, or a friend of a friend, or a genuinely good person who I like and admire...I just feel ashamed if I say something hurtful. And then even if it's really okay...it's so hard for me to get past. You see, I hold grudges. Grudges against myself that take a while to get over. That's probably why I have so much self loathing. And right now...the self loathing is starting to take over I think, and seep into the loathing of others as well, and even just life itself. Who wants to be around such a huge ball of depression? I know I don't! Ugh.
There are so many things I want to say right now, and I contemplate saying them on the internet for people to stumble across.
Today I almost collided with these two guys eating cheeseburgers and was super pissed. Lately I've been getting angry and almost getting into an accident every time I'm on the road. I'm not sure if this is a problem with me, or just rush hour. Also, I've been finding that I really do not care for the general human population. Again, is that my problem? How do I fix it? What do I do when I have so much hate for pretty much EVERYTHING that I can't even really hang out with people anymore? When did this happen? And why is there an attitude attached to my voice every time I talk? It disgusts me.